And no, I am not talking about the male appendage. We are talking about depression. She is a fickle little bitch and can sneak up on you without even a single warning. There are no rules, regulations, or reservations when it comes to depression. She cares not about your color, your shape, your size, or even your social standing...she can creep in and knock you right at the knees. *insert breathing exercises here* It is crazy sometimes we just sit back and think, "but he/she is always just smiling...they must be okay." And, although we all handle these times differently (and I'm talking each "episode" can be handled differently), majority of the time it is masked tiredly with a smile. When they say "check on your happy friends"...I despise that. CHECK ON ALL YOUR FRIENDS. Not only is mental health a serious and sensitive issue most of us face, it is also steadily growing through the times we are living in. Check on your momma friend, check on the dad that works days and misses events with his family, check on the nurse, check on the friend that recently moved, check on the sister that seems to have it all. Mental illness can sneak in, without a knock on the door, and takes your breath away.
Want to know what can crush you even more? When it leads to the unrelenting panic attack. Girl, if you have ever experienced a full blown panic attack, you know that is something you wouldn't even wish on your worst enemy. The vision blurs, the hearing peaks to a high pitch consistent beep, that pounding in your chest will leave you absolutely sure that you are having a heart attack. Your words can't come out even though internally you are screaming for help. Notice me. (Let me pause here by showing you a video I finally found that immediately helped me personally, and I hope it does the same for you.) It can introduce an uninvited barrier between you and those you love in a blink of an eye. And it's not because you don't want to talk about it, most of the time it is because you don't know how because you don't know why it happened. Talking about it helps. It truly does. You do not have to have all the answers, but you do need to speak your peace about the fact it happened to those close to you and those you trust. I am forever grateful for a patient and understanding husband. (bless his soul)
"But Cait, how can you talk about this when you just moved to paradise?" Let me tell you something. Moving to Costa Rica, although I am filled with gratitude and it is breathtaking, was an absolute life altering event. We had to leave our dog at home with my parents. We had to sell the majority of our belongings. We left our friends and family behind in another country. And yes, I understand that it's only a quick flight back, but there is something left in the ever lingering imagination that the term "another country" just seems SO much further away. In reality we are closer to our families now then we were in California. But, as we know, reality takes a back seat when it comes to an overwhelmed mind. And when I first arrived here, all of those negatives danced around in my mind, unwelcomed. The issue of "how do I get stuff shipped here" popped up when I never had to worry about that before. That may sound like such a minor matter for most, but when it was a comfort you never realized you had and in the middle of a mental breakdown...all it did was add the cherry on top. And man, I really hate cherries. I say all of this to emphasize the fact that there is no picking and choosing when she desides to rear her ugly head, and there is no place for you to judge another human's struggles. Check on the smilers. Check on the criers. Check on the forgetful. Check on the poilte. Check on the tired. Check on other humans. We are all here going through this thing called life together. And even if our lives may not compare to one another's, empathy and companionship is greatly accepted by all. Xoxo, Cait